Writing

Is This Happiness? (Excerpt)

I had spent the last twenty-five years of my life surrounded by people, showered with love and affirmations; so when I found myself alone in the city living out of my car I had nothing but time to ponder and reminiscence, rather difficult pills to swallow, but I stood my ground and continued with my ‘pursuit of happiness.’ Truth be told, or so I have learned, is that happiness is something you cannot chase, like love, it should come to you; otherwise you find yourself in a constant wonder of ‘is this happiness?’ You mold and fold in hopes of attainment but time seems to flutter away faster the older you grow.

Excerpt from my first book and poetry collection ‘Is This Happiness.’ Scheduled to be out January 29th, 2021.

I had spent the last twenty-five years of my life surrounded by people, showered with love and affirmations; so when I found myself alone in the city living out of my car I had nothing but time to ponder and reminiscence, rather difficult pills to swallow, but I stood my ground and continued with my ‘pursuit of happiness.’ Truth be told, or so I have learned, is that happiness is something you cannot chase, like love, it should come to you; otherwise you find yourself in a constant wonder of ‘is this happiness?’ You mold and fold in hopes of attainment but time seems to flutter away faster the older you grow. 

Many lessons to learn for a guy who thought he could do it all. Perhaps it has to do with my ambition and constant desire to do more, or perhaps it truly is just my ego, is it too big for me to control? You see, I tend to do things my way regardless of what anyone says, I used to think this was a good thing and while it can be, you truly cannot grow to walk while riding on a high horse. The biggest lesson learned as I lay there in the backseat of my car is that I clearly was not right, I could talk myself up and reason as much as I wanted, but I had to accept my wrongs. It was rather humbling to drive around at night searching for a safe place to park, somewhere hidden enough for me to get some rest and pretend that all was right in my world, I could never let anyone see me cry. At least then. Me now is someone who is still learning, constantly reminding myself that I am not a wave, and just simply a part of the ocean; that is is okay to seek help and comfort in those who surround you. 

I had spent the last twenty-five years of my life surrounded by people, showered with love and affirmations; so when I found myself alone in the city living out of my car I had nothing but time to ponder and reminiscence, rather difficult pills to swallow, but I stood my ground and continued with my ‘pursuit of happiness.’ Truth be told, or so I have learned, is that happiness is something you cannot chase, like love, it should come to you; otherwise you find yourself in a constant wonder of ‘is this happiness?’ You mold and fold in hopes of attainment but time seems to flutter away faster the older you grow. 

Many lessons to learn for a guy who thought he could do it all. Perhaps it has to do with my ambition and constant desire to do more, or perhaps it truly is just my ego, is it too big for me to control? You see, I tend to do things my way regardless of what anyone says, I used to think this was a good thing and while it can be, you truly cannot grow to walk while riding on a high horse. The biggest lesson learned as I lay there in the backseat of my car is that I clearly was not right, I could talk myself up and reason as much as I wanted, but I had to accept my wrongs. It was rather humbling to drive around at night searching for a safe place to park, somewhere hidden enough for me to get some rest and pretend that all was right in my world, I could never let anyone see me cry. At least then. Me now is someone who is still learning, constantly reminding myself that I am not a wave, and just simply a part of the ocean; that is is okay to seek help and comfort in those who surround you. 

I wandered the city while licking my wounds for a little over two weeks, mind you I speak with my mother daily, and she never knew. I bring my momma into the conversation because to me, that is what hurt the most. I broke my mothers heart when she learned that I had been out living in the streets of San Diego and I never made a peep. I constantly ask myself why I do that? Why do I neglect and refuse the love of those who would quite literally give their life for me? I clearly was not fine, but I beamed my pearly whites and assured her the sun shined brighter for me down here, eight hours away. Many nights I asked myself what I was doing, literally down in the pits but I refused to see it that way, was it my ego speaking? Why was I so comfortable and seemingly at peace with myself when life burned all around me. What lead me to this point in the story is not something I will go into detail as it is something that unfolds within the pages if this book. There is a lot you let go of when you choose to love yourself, but the loss could never compare to what you gain. Lost within the city I find myself to this day, clutching to my journal as I purge what no longer serves me and has collected like dust. Wonderlust and City Dust is a collection of poetry dedicated to the countless sunset spent reminiscing and daydreaming about a new day all just to watch it flutter away. I have learned to not chase happiness as it is all around us, we just get distracted and tend to not notice what surrounds us, but it doesn’t mean that it’s not there. I am inspired by the heartbreak, the good, the bad, all of the above, as I have come to see it as part of my story, obvious, you might say, but think about that the next time you’re going through something, embrace it, be strong, you’ll come out the other end eventually; just ensure that you can grow from it. Notice how it is so much easier for us to deny that we are in need of help and guidance  My writing throughout the last year has kept me from remaining stagnant, mentally, so-to-speak. I have dealt with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember and I never really got the help I needed as a child, so I find myself going through my adult life questioning everything and anything that I do, it took years and many tears for me to realize that I cannot let my tragedies define me, yes they are part of my story, but I have learned to take the lessons learned and just leave, do not let things fester any more than they should. 

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